Egyptian Newspaper Clippings from the Time of Moses

The Daily Papyrus

Your Source for Very Late Breaking News

Rash of Plagues Send Insurance Prices Skyrocketing

By Wadj Et

Homeowners still reeling from the devastation caused by Thursday’s “Rain of Terror” have a new plague to contend with, only this time the Hebrew God “I Am” is not claiming responsibility. Home insurance prices have increase exponentially in the wake of the recent disasters. With the issue of the Hebrew’s emancipation still unresolved, policyholders can expect no quarter from their insurers. A representative of The Pyramid Financial Group spoke with reporters yesterday saying that “increasing our rates on homeowners’ policies is a necessary step in these uncertain economic times. With no way to predict the nature or the timing of the next supernatural event, we must take measures to ensure not just our solvency but our organization’s very survival.”

Of course, many homeowners are balking at such statements, saying that this is simply Pyramid’s latest scheme to enrich its shareholders at the expense of hardworking middle class Egyptians. Many have pointed out that the insurance tycoon’s policies do not cover “acts of God,” and so Pyramid’s outlays have fluctuated very little despite the recent devastation. “They’re just using this as an excuse to pad their pockets,” complained one irate customer. “My crops have all rotted, my cattle are lying dead in the field, and now my home’s been destroyed by wrecking ball sized hail! But will I see a penny of insurance money? No! Instead, I get a bigger insurance bill because they’re supposedly the ones fighting to keep their business alive.”

Pharaoh Continues Opposition to Hebrew Emancipation

By Neph Thys

Sources in Pharaoh’s administration have reported that they are no closer to reaching an agreement with the Hebrew representative, Moses, on the issue of Hebrew emancipation. Pharaoh remains confident that he will prevail despite growing fears in the general public. With the ever-escalating nature of the recent plagues, many now believe that his continued opposition to the Hebrew’s release will only result in national ruin. The Hebrew slaves, meanwhile, seem undaunted by Pharaoh’s unyielding negotiation tactics. Far from submitting to his royal highness in terror, the Hebrews have been seen eagerly slaughtering lambs in large numbers. The reason for this strange behavior is yet unknown.

Rising Food Prices Spark Dietary Change

By Taw Aret

In the wake of the recent agricultural devastation, the price of beef and other staples continue to soar. Out of necessity, many Egyptians have had to improvise in order to put food on the table. A growing majority of our citizens have turned to locusts and frog legs as sources of inexpensive protein in their diet. By inexpensive, of course, we mean free. Recent plagues have ensured an abundant supply of both meal options to all citizens.

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